Helping Children Share the Worries They Don’t Say Out Loud // the questions to ask

Many parents recognise will recognise the pattern: a child who copes all day, then unravels once they’re home with tears, frustration or shutdown. In this article, Sarah Maamari, Psychologist for Children, Adolescents, and Families at Sage Clinics, helps us to understand how to invite those feelings out – gently, patiently and without pressure – and why it can make all the difference.

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We often hear parents say, “My child seems fine all day, but then melts down at night,” or “When I ask how their day was, I get ‘fine’ and nothing else.” Many children carry worries quietly. They hold things together at school, with friends, or in structured environments, then release everything once they feel safe at home. This is not avoidance or secrecy. It is often a sign of effort, emotional fatigue, and limited language for what they are feeling.

Children do not usually open up when they are asked direct or problem-focused questions. “What’s wrong?” or “Why are you upset?” can feel overwhelming, especially if they are not sure how to answer or fear disappointing the adult asking. Gentle, specific, and emotionally safe questions tend to work better because they lower the pressure and give the child somewhere to start.

One helpful approach is to ask questions that focus on moments rather than emotions.

Emotions can be abstract and hard to name, especially for younger children or those who tend to internalise stress. Questions like, “Was there a part of today that felt tricky?” or “Was there a moment you wished an adult had helped you more?” invite reflection without demanding emotional labels. They also communicate that struggle is expected and

allowed.

Another powerful route is asking curiosity-based questions.

These sound simple, but they signal interest rather than interrogation. “What took the most energy today?” or “What did you think about a lot today?” can reveal worries about friendships, school performance, or social situations that children may not volunteer on their own.

These questions work because they focus on the child’s inner world, not their behaviour.

Some children open up more easily when questions are indirect or imaginative. Inviting children to imagine, “If your day had a main character, what problem were they dealing with?” or “If today were a story, what part was the hardest?” creates emotional distance while still accessing meaningful experiences. This can be especially helpful for children who struggle with emotional expression or feel embarrassed admitting worry. The goal is

not to decode every metaphor but to listen for patterns and themes.

Timing also matters when helping children to open up

Many children are not ready to talk immediately after school. Their nervous systems are still in a state of alertness and control. Conversation often flows more naturally during low-pressure moments like bedtime, car rides, bath time, or while doing something side by side. Silence is not something to rush. When a child senses that you are not in a hurry, they are more likely to fill the space.

It is also important to ask questions that normalise hidden worries.

“Was there anything today that you didn’t tell anyone about?” or “Did anything feel bigger on the inside than it looked on the outside?” help children understand that private worries are common and acceptable. These questions reduce shame and make it easier for children to share concerns they may feel are silly or insignificant.

How adults respond matters just as much as what they ask. When a child does open up, resist the urge to immediately fix, advise, or reassure. Statements like, “That makes sense,” “I can see why that felt hard,” or “I’m really glad you told me” build emotional safety. Over time, children learn that sharing does not lead to lectures or solutions they did not ask for.

If parents could take one message away, it is this: children do not need perfect questions.

They need consistent, calm invitations to share, and adults who can tolerate hearing uncomfortable feelings without rushing them away. Gentle questions, asked regularly and without expectation, create a space where worries no longer need to stay hidden.

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Sarah Maamari, Psychologist for Children, Adolescents, and Families at Sage Clinics

Find out more about Sarah Maamari and Sage Clinics here.

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