Surrendering to what matters in Uncertain Times // reassuring Words From family expert, Leilani rooks

Leilani Rooks, Family Coach, shares some important and reassuring ways to keep calm during difficult times

Parenting on the most ordinary day can be a lot.

Parenting during unprecedented times with intermittent booms, phone alerts going off, and influxes of uncertain information? Unimaginably impossible.

Yet here we are. The good news? We’re all in this together and there will be an end to this. But, if you’re like me, you want to know when, where, and how? There’s a lot of uncertainty and uncertainty is the worst. No actually, it is.

Research indicates not knowing if something bad will happen can feel physically and psychologically worse than facing definite bad news.

Especially for us Primary Caretakers who are accustomed to anticipating, preparing, and managing the family’s needs, we live off of having all of the information and planning ahead. We carefully curate the lunch boxes, extracurriculars, play dates, trips – anything and everything for our children’s well-being and development (and our mental sanity). Right now, we are able to control almost nothing about this situation. It feels deeply, deeply uncomfortable. Especially when other tiny lives are depending on us. But when we try to fight against this, when we struggle against the situation and grasp desperately for control or finding a solution, we suffer. In almost any hard parenting scenario, but most definitely this one, we need to remind ourselves over and over again:

I can surrender or I can suffer.

The next question is: how?

Surrendering does not mean giving up. It does not mean you do nothing, rot on the couch, and let the kids go haywire (though if you’re currently doing this–carry on!) Surrender means having a deep inner peace that it will be okay and that your actions are aligned to your values with any and all  challenges that come your way. And since crises aren’t the time for deep philosophical self-evaluation, here are a few quick exercises to point you in the right direction:

Try the WIN Exercise

When you start to feel wobbly, start with this simple WIN exercise: What’s Important Now?

Do you really need to push your children to do their online learning? Is trying to coerce the toddler into eating a vegetable the main priority? Is it actually the time to let your partner know that that habit they have during eating is SUPER irritating? When the anxiety is starting to creep in, the frenetic kid behavior is peaking, and you’re wishing it was time to grab a glass of something and binge watch Netflix– ask yourself What is ACTUALLY important right now? In this very minute? That I can realistically focus on? Do that.

Stay connected in helpful ways

Connect with your family and limit connection to the outside world.  Even writing this feels silly when we’re all forced to stay in our houses together 24/7 for who knows how long.

But being in the physical presence of someone and feeling connected are not one and the same. It is too easy to be glued to our devices seeking any and all bits of news and updates but ask yourself: is this actually helping me right now? Definitely stay in touch with what’s going on but reading and responding to messages is likely not helping you feel more in control every single time. When you check your phone, touch base with your body and thoughts afterwards. Do you feel better, more light, less anxious? If so, then carry on! If you feel anything else – manage the time spent interacting with the outside world. Set alarms and only check during those times. Challenge your partner to see who can stay off their phone longer. Only engage with groups on social media/messaging that feel helpful and grounded.

You ARE in control of what you are allowing to influence your emotions and thoughts right now. Choose carefully.

Create the narrative you want to carry forward

This is one of those historic moments. A moment in time that you will remind your children (and grandchildren!) about for decades to come. You are in control of what this story looks like for your family. Yes there is anxiety, panic, uncertainty, but there can also be core memories of bonding, of late night movie nights, of burning cookies or building forts, of getting frustrated with each other and then making up, of spending unexpected time together, going through something horrifically difficult, and getting through it together. How do you want this story to go and what is one thing you can do right now to make that happen? No, it won’t all go exactly as you hope and this won’t be some magical fairytale time. But choose just one thing to guide this narrative today and the next day and the next, until this is old news living only in our memories.

Last, but not least, let this all go. If you try all of this and none of it “works” and this time carries on feeling impossibly difficult, that’s okay. Really. Surrendering is always easier said than done. What I want you to hold on to most is this:  No, we are not in control right now but everything is under control.

//

Follow Leilani on Instagram for more wise words.