The Secret Competitive Sport of Modern Parenting

There are few sports more competitive, more emotionally charged, more competitive and

frankly more absurd than Parenting.

I’ve been glued to the Winter Olympics the past week or so. And I’ve noted that although the competitors are very impressive in their tenacity and drive to be the absolute best; they have nothing on some mothers I’ve witnessed on the side of a football pitch.

I suppose I’m technically not talking about parenting itself, mind you — that’s mostly wiping faces and bums and kitchen benches, negotiating with tiny dictators or know-it-all teenagers, and Googling “is this rash normal?” at 2 a.m. The real Olympic event is that of Watching Other Parents Parent.

Welcome to the unofficial Olympics of modern parenting

Parents judging other parents is practically a reflex. It’s not that we’re bad people. It’s that

we are tired, overstimulated, and secretly terrified we’re doing it wrong. So when we see

another parent doing something different, our brains go, “Ah. Excellent. A comparison

opportunity. Prepare to inwardly annihilate them whilst smiling sweetly on the outside.”

Look, I’m holding my hands up here. I do this. Despite having three wild sons who batter the

living daylights out of each other on the daily, drawing many glares of judgement from other parents which make me feel terrible about myself… I still find myself doing this to other parents.

But why do I do it? Why do we all do it? It gets us nowhere fast and serves only to make us all feel judged and a little more alone in the Wild Wild West that is bringing up children.

Judgment Is Just Fear in Disguise

Let’s start with the obvious reason: insecurity. Parenting is the only job where you get no

formal training, no performance review, and the clients scream at you for serving the wrong

colour cup or for ‘being cringe’ in front of their mates.

You are handed a newborn and told, essentially, “Good luck shaping this human into something which isn’t a menace to society.” That’s it. No manual. No hotline. Just vibes. Of course we’re insecure!

And I hate to say it but that insecurity doesn’t fade as the tiny human gets bigger. I found my insecurities just shifted from whether I was a terrible Mother for working/not making homemade tupperware filled delights/not doing arts and crafts with my boys (because, well, I’m crap at them). They shifted to insecurities about whether I was too strict/not cool enough in front of their friends/not able to give them as much as I should in a material way.

So when we see another parent calmly serving organic quinoa fritters cut into star shapes while their child thanks them in three languages, or when we see a teenage child hugging their Mum in the supermarket without any Embarrassment, it can trigger something primal.

If their kid eats kale and hugs them voluntarily, what does that say about my child who once

licked a shopping trolley and won’t be seen in public with me? Is my house feral? Am I feral?

Suddenly, their packed lunch is not just a packed lunch. It’s a representation of your entire

identity as a parent.

Judgment, I’ve come to realise, is a coping mechanism. If I can convince myself that their

way is “ridiculous” or “over the top” or “lazy” or “too strict,” then my way must be fine. Better

than fine. Superior, even. Congratulations, I have restored emotional equilibrium by silently

critiquing their parenting choices. I recognised I was doing this just last weekend when my

good friend told me all about her daughters’ partying.

Deep down, I think I’m probably a bit too strict with my eldest. No parties for him… well, there are, but I’m sat in the car up the street just in case he needs me. I’m secretly jealous of more liberal parents who can relax and let their kids have a bit more freedom, like my friend can. But in the moment; I couldn’t recognise that fact, and instead made some knee-jerk internal judgements on how she should be more boundaried with her daughter, who was undoubtedly going to go right off the rails due to her mothers chill vibes.

Parenting Styles Have Fan Clubs (And Rivalries)

Another reason parents judge is tribalism. Parenting styles come with unofficial fan clubs.

You’ve got the Gentle Parents. Don’t get me started on them. Sorry, but they are the recipients of some heavy silent judgement from me.

Then there are the authoritarian “Because I Said So” Parents, the Screen-Time-Is-the-Devil Parents (and I’m going to post about it on social media all the time to make you feel bad as you sit scrolling Insta whilst your kids languish in Xbox heaven), then conversely there are the ‘If YouTube exists why do I need to be involved in raising this child?’ gang. Each group believes they are walking the enlightened path. The truth is that none of us are.

When you commit to a parenting style, even loosely… it becomes part of your identity. I’ve

seen it actually steal some parents’ former identity. Like, they used to be fun, you know?

I

look at it this way; if you’ve invested in reading twelve books about emotional regulation and

you’ve practiced ad infinitum saying, “I hear that you’re feeling frustrated,” instead of “Stop

throwing sand at your sister,” you need that effort to mean something. If someone else is

doing the opposite and their child appears… fine? That’s destabilising. Rather than doubt

whether your obsession with reading emotional regulation books is perhaps not the way

forward, you’re more likely to roll your eyes at their methods and think, “Well, we’ll see how

that works out when he’s 35. And in JAIL.”

We also judge because children are very, well, public. Unlike most life choices, parenting

unfolds in parks, supermarkets, birthday parties, and in front of the cool Mums in the yard.

You can’t hide your “project” in a private office until it’s reached the point of perfection. It’s

out there licking windows in full view isn’t it?

As a single mother; I often feel like I’m subject to even greater scrutiny than my married

peers are. Firstly because the buck stops with me ultimately on their behaviour and on the

decisions I make regarding them. Secondly, because whether we like it or not there’s still

that societal ‘Oh isn’t it a shame they’re from a broken home… I expect that’s why little

Jimmy keeps talking over the teacher in class.’ It compounds the judgement and the

pressure and leads to feelings of shame, actually.

My biggest bugbear though; when it comes to the sport of Parents Judging Other Parents, is when the non-qualified decide to throw their two pence in. And by the non-qualified, I mean those who don’t actually have children themselves. There is something incredibly infuriating although at times hilarious, about being given advice, or experiencing judgement from someone who has never ever walked a mile in my shoes. The self control it takes to stand and nod and smile while they list all the ways I’m going wrong before going back to an existence where they’re only responsible for themself, is immense.

It’s even more infuriating because I would never cast judgement on a non-parent, on

whether they’re child-free by choice or by circumstance, whether it makes them fulfilled or

desperately sad, whether they barely give kids a second thought or wish their life had turned out differently. The snipey, sarcastic judgement I hold is reserved purely for other parents…yet on more than a handful of occasions I have had to experience this frankly bewildering judgement from non-parents. It’s like being given downhill skiing advice by someone who has never been on a mountain (sorry for all the Winter sports references - the Olympics will be over soon don’t worry). Like, really?

Perhaps the key to being less judgey ourselves is to remember this truism: usually judgment

is just fear dressed up as superiority. If I see your kid running wild in a restaurant, I might

judge. But beneath that is the thought, “Please don’t let mine start copying that, I remember that time we nearly got barred from Nando’s.” We are constantly trying to control the chaos of our lives, and other people’s chaos feels contagious.

The Parenting Comparison Trap

There’s also the scoreboard problem. Modern parenting exists in a culture that measures

everything. Social media has left us little choice but to jump on the bandwagon. Milestones,

reading levels, extracurricular activities, emotional intelligence, number of vegetables

consumed without protest. It’s very easy to slide from “Is my child happy?” to “Is my child top of the class?”

And if my child is not top of the class, then perhaps your child must be the problem. They’re

overscheduled. They’re pressured. They’re missing out on “being a kid” because you insist

on them learning mandarin instead of rolling round in the mud like my kid does. Look how

gracefully I’ve reframed jealousy as moral concern. I’m still a better parent than you!

Then there’s the generational layer. And this is the bit which I feel impacts my own parenting choices the most of all. Us parents are often reacting not just to other parents, but to our own upbringing. If you felt your childhood was too strict, you might judge parents who enforce firm boundaries. If you felt your childhood was chaotic, you might judge parents who seem laissez-faire. We’re not just raising children; we’re rewriting our own stories. That’s heavy work. For me, coming from a divorced home and remembering the judgements which came with that, not just for my Mum but for me and my brother, so much of my parenting is centred around trying to make things different/better/easier on my own kids who now find themselves coming from a similar stand-point as I was. It’s exhausting, trying to do what is best for them.

All the live long day.

Here’s the truth: most parents are just improvising.

The mum handing over the tablet in the café might have had three hours of sleep and a

brutal morning. The dad who seems overly strict might be trying desperately to give his child the stability he never had. The parent who looks blissfully relaxed might simply have just one child who really likes to colour in quietly. Some children are easygoing. Some are complex.

Sometimes there’s just one kid, with two doting present parents, other families might have

four kids with just one parent. Not all parenting experiences are created equal guys… this is

absolutely not a level playing field.

And often, when you talk to parents beyond the surface, the judgment melts into solidarity.

The parent you thought was effortlessly perfect might confess that they cry in the shower.

The one you thought was too lenient might be navigating a child with complex needs. The

one you envied might envy you right back.

In the end, the kindest perspective… and the one least likely to ruin your mental health… is

remembering that parenting is long. It’s sooo long. Today’s tantrum, today’s parenting choice, today’s snack is not the entire story. Children grow. Parents adjust. Everyone is

learning in real time.

So yes, parents judge other parents. We do it out of insecurity, tribal loyalty, fear,

comparison, sheer exhaustion, and the universal desire to get it right. But beneath the raised eyebrows and silent judgement, there’s usually empathy waiting to happen. Let’s try to show it a little more eh?

//

Sarah Lawton is a freelance content creator who writes on a variety of topics, covering everything from parenting to relationships to life post divorce. You can find her on social media under the moniker Pearls of Kiddom; where she chronicles the escapades of life with her three sons.