The Modern Motherhood Comparison Trap (and how to escape it)

Sarah Lawton
Jan 20
5 min read

Smiling family in a kitchen making pizza, surrounded by bowls of greens and tomatoes. Woman takes a photo. Bright, cheerful atmosphere.

If modern motherhood was an inspirational quote it would read something like this;

“You are doing a-ma-zing babe… unless someone on Instagram is doing it better.”

And just so you know; someone on Instagram absolutely is doing it better.

Because motherhood today is so vastly different to the motherhood of our parents’ generation. It’s not just about keeping our kids alive and sending them out the door at 16 to fend for themselves.

No, no. It’s now all about the performative side of motherhood. It’s about putting on a display of consistency, kindness, creativity and gluten free snacks that would bring Nigella Lawson to her knees.

Everyone must know how hard you work, how much you juggle, how invested you are in your children and what you are doing every single day to ensure they reach their potential.

What I've learned from Fifteen years of motherhood

I’m fifteen years into the process, and frankly it has just been so absolutely exhausting that I

felt I had no choice but to get off the horse, so to speak. To throw my hands up in the air and

surrender and bow out of the never-ending competition that motherhood seems to be.

The comparison starts before your child is even born. You peek online for nursery inspiration

and everyone seems to have Scandinavian-themed woodland wonderlands complete with

ethically sourced materials…when you were just trying to decide on white or off-white walls.

You try to pick a name for your little cherub but stumble from too out-there and new-age to

too boring and middle of the road. Why can’t you think of something unique and original and cool like all the influencers seem to have done?

It starts here and builds pace and momentum as the years go on. Does your child attend the

right nursery to ensure their future social mobility? Do they do enough after-school activities to ensure they’re going to be a well-rounded and scintillating dinner party guest one day? Do they have the right clothes to ensure they won’t be bullied in high school whilst

simultaneously not being too flashy and making you look like a showy-offy parent?

Endless pressure. Endless comparison. Endless guilt.

And the kicker is… we all know it’s a trap don’t we? We know everyone only posts the best

photos, talks about the fun parts of their incredible family trip to the Seychelles – Oh thanks

for asking…it was life-changing from start to finish, we are so lucky.

We know we’re all really only telling our own mother or OG best friend that we spend more

time screaming at our kids than we do reading with them.

So let’s talk about why the comparison trap is so pervasive in modern motherhood, and more importantly how to break the hell out of it!

Why we’ve fallen into the trap without realising it

Motherhood used to be private. Now it’s public content. Even if you’re a non-poster

on social media, I’d bet my bottom dollar you’re a consumer. And if you are one of those mothers who can send your child off to their first day of school without a photo stating their age, height, weight and inside leg measurement compared to last years’ first day photo… well then I salute you. There is a huge pressure to show that you are doing this mothering thing not just correctly but with flair.

Information sharing, both from the internet and in person, is absolutely monumental

compared to when we were kids. Think about it. You turn on your phone or laptop and are bombarded with influencers and celebrities telling us how to do everything.

How to eat better, how to parent better, how to look better

Then you go to one of the myriad of classes, from baby yoga to toddler tap dancing to teens gymnastics and there are hoardes of mothers chatting there in person, all competing to surreptitiously let everyone know just how well they’re doing.

It’s relentless.

What the MOTHERHOOD comparison trap does for our sanity

Firstly, it makes us all feel like we’re failing. I promise you, even the woman who you

think has her sh*t well and truly together, is looking longingly at another woman,

comparing herself unfavourably and deciding she is absolutely not #winningatlife

It makes us hyper anxious. We are second-guessing ourselves with each new bit of

‘good news’ we hear about someone elses family.

“Your daughter is reading aged three!? Wow that’s amazing” - mine is still biting the

furniture.

“Your son just qualified for the Olympic swim team!? You must be thrilled” – I can’t get

my son to try any sport other than gaming…which I still don’t buy is an actual sport.

Ten of these little mini emotional tennis balls flying into our face each week at least,

am I right? It’s no surprise we’re on high alert and can’t relax.

How to escape the comparison trap

Escaping the motherhood comparison trap doesn’t require drastic measures, neither does it require you to drop your standards so low that your children become fully feral (just because mine are doesn’t mean yours will be I promise). Alongside taking some practical measures, try to get into the habit of examining your thoughts when you find yourself comparing. Notice it and sit with it.

Hmmm, that feels uncomfortable… but is it really worth worrying about too much?

Take time to absorb before you react;

This will likely make you realise you have better ways to spend your time than engaging in one-upmanship or self-flagellation.

Curate your social media.

Unfollow any accounts which make you feel like you’re messing up - on any level. My strict criteria is:

- Funny Mothers

- Honest Mothers

- Mothers who post content which is genuinely useful (ie time-saving or money-

saving)

Practice accepting that your motherhood experience will be different than everyone elses.

I’ve had to learn the hard way with this one since I divorced my boys’ dad four years ago. I simply cannot give my kids the time or the material things that their friends who have two parent families get. Does this make me a terrible mother? For a long time I thought so. Now I know that’s rubbish. I’m a great mother doing my best with the resources I have.

"Great for her, not for me."

Try saying this to yourself when you notice you’re comparing yourself and feeling lackingor envious “Great for her, not for me.” There will be things you’re doing that she cannot or doesn’t want to do. And that’s OK.

Surround yourself with women who lift you up and make you feel great.

Look for cheerleaders, not mean girls. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you feel

accepted and supported, rather than crippled with jealousy and anxiety.

Finally; remember your child doesn’t need a perfect mother

They just need their mother. If you can be unapologetically accepting of yourself, knowing you’ve done enough… more than enough… what a great example that is to set them.