Surviving (and Thriving) With Pre-Teens

Just when you thought you’d figured out parenting - bam! Your sweet, chatty child morphs into a pre-teen. Suddenly you’re navigating eye rolls, slammed doors, and moods that swing faster than TikTok trends.

The pre-teen years (roughly 9–12) are a unique stage: not quite children, not quite teenagers. It’s challenging, yes, but also an incredible opportunity to lay the groundwork for your child’s future independence. Here’s how to deal (and even thrive) through this rollercoaster stage.

1. Expect Big Feelings

Pre-teens are awash with hormones and emotions they don’t yet fully understand. Tears one minute, laughter the next - it’s normal. Rather than brushing off their feelings with “you’ll get over it”, validate them: “I can see you’re upset; do you want to talk?” Sometimes all they need is to know you’re listening.

2. Pick Your Battles

Clothes that don’t match? Hair that hasn’t seen a brush in three days? If it’s not harming their health or safety, let it slide. Save your energy for bigger issues, like school performance, friendship struggles, or risky behaviours. Giving them some control over the small stuff helps them build independence.

3. Set Boundaries (and Stick to Them)

Pre-teens may push back harder than ever, but clear boundaries make them feel safe. Whether it’s screen time rules, curfews, or expectations around chores, consistency is key. They might grumble, but deep down they respect limits and it shows you care.

4. Keep the Conversation Open

This is the age to start talking about big topics such as friendship, self-esteem, body changes, even early conversations about peer pressure. Keep chats casual and judgment-free. Sometimes the best talks happen in the car, at bedtime, or while cooking together.

5. Balance Independence and Connection

Pre-teens want more freedom but still crave your attention (even if they won’t admit it). Encourage independence and let them make choices, solve problems, and manage responsibilities. But also carve out one-on-one time for fun: ice cream dates, movie nights, or just hanging out.

6. Don’t Take It Personally

Yes, they may snap, roll their eyes, or act like you’re the most embarrassing human alive. Remember: it’s not about you. They’re learning to separate and find their own identity. Keep your cool, don’t bite back, and remind yourself it’s just a phase.

The Bright Side

The pre-teen years aren’t all mood swings - they’re also full of curiosity, humour, and growth. This is when you see their personalities really shine, their interests deepen, and their independence grow. With patience, empathy, and a sense of humour, you’ll not just survive this stage - you’ll come out with a stronger bond.