Raising them kind: The importance of teaching our children to stand up for others

One of the things I’m proudest of in my parenting career is the numerous school reports which describe my kids as ‘a good friend’, as a person who looks after others who are struggling or less sure of themselves.

And by the way, I’m not naive enough to think this is exclusive to my kids. The desire to help and protect is innate - it’s why most children love to be a ‘buddy’ to younger kids, and why they run to their friends when they trip and fall in the school yard.

As parents we all want to raise kids who know right from wrong and are prepared to stand up for others when they see injustice. However as children grow it can get harder and harder for them to retain that innate desire and ability to protect others; the list of obstacles is oh so long… Puberty and all the awkwardness which comes with it, peer pressure, social media, the possibility of making themselves a target for bullies as a by-product of defending others, the threat of situations becoming physical… it’s easy to see why teenagers might be less likely to stand up for others than say a seven or eight year old would.

So how can we teach our children the importance of standing up for others, and equip them with the courage to do it in real-life situations?

Here are seven top tips:

• It’s hard to stand up for others if you can’t stand up for yourself. So first of all we need to teach our children assertive language when they’re still very young. Assertive language isn’t about being cheeky or willful; it’s about having clear boundaries and standards about what is and isn’t acceptable. Teach your children short phrases such as “That makes me feel sad”, or “I don’t like it when…”      When they have the language to assert themselves they can then use it to support others.

  
  

• What if you’ve got a naturally shy or quiet child? How can we build moral courage in  them if they find speaking up difficult?  The key, it seems, is in self-image. We need to cultivate within them the sense that they’re part of a big team.        University of California Irvine researcher Kristen Renwick Monroe has extensively studied the traits of people who helped the Jews and protected them from the Nazis.  She found that they had a different self-image from those who were bystanders (people who witness harm but do nothing to intervene). Monroe found that compared to bystanders and Nazi supporters, rescuers had a more broadly defined sense of identity, viewing themselves as part of a common humanity, rather than a member of an exclusive group. Rescuers also demonstrated a stronger sense of agency, while bystanders tended to have a weak sense of personal control over their lives. In other words, rescuers acted because they believed their actions mattered.

  
  

• Lead by example - it seems obvious, but we have to role model the traits we want to see in our children. Empathy, kindness, an ability to reflect. They may not always tell us, or behave like it, but our children do look up to us and we have more influence than we think. It’s the reason I always talk to my children about things we see on the news, and about big issues like racism, sexism and ableism. I want them to see that I have the courage of my convictions on the things that really matter.

  
  

• There’s nothing like a good case of ‘putting the shoe on the other foot’ to encourage reflection. If my children tell me about a situation at school where someone is being bullied or is finding things difficult, I prefer to let them work out the answers for themselves… with a gentle nudge by way of a few choice questions from me. I ask things like; How would you feel if that happened to you? Can you imagine being in that situation? What would you want someone to do for you? Hopefully this not only encourages an empathetic response, it also helps my children come to the realisation themselves that there may be something they can do to help.

  
  

• We all know it’s not the quantity of friends we have that matters, but the quality. Research shows that building a few solid and strong friendships in childhood can have profound positive impacts on mental health. It is however important to remind our kids of the joy that can be found by making new friends and to encourage them to widen their circle to include the new kid in school, the ones who are alone at lunchtime, children of different ethnicities to them and also those who look or behave differently to them. Variety is after all, the spice of life.

  
  

• Give them practical know-how on what to do when they see something wrong. Who should they come to at home, in childcare or at school if they see something which needs to be reported? It’s important they know they won’t be seen as being a tell-tale and that as long as their intention is to protect someone, they’re doing the right thing.

  
  

• It’s tough in these busy stressful times where most of us are juggling raising children with full-time work; but wherever possible, carve out some time to really talk to your child. Listen to them with empathy and no judgement about everything, big or small. This will help them trust that if they ever need to speak up they will be trusted and heard.

It can feel like a never-ending struggle raising our kids to be kind. Society is increasingly teaching them to be tough, to be polarised and divided. The good news is that studies have shown that character traits like empathy, honesty and self-control get easier with practice. And being a child means they have plenty of time ahead of them to hone those skills. We won’t raise good human beings by accident; but if we are intentional in our parenting, and guide them through the up’s and down’s of building moral courage, they stand a very good chance of getting there in the end.