When Kids Came Home at Dinnertime: A Love Letter to Free-Range Parenting

Once upon a time, in days not so long ago, children wandered freely around their neighbourhoods and came home only when their stomach told them it was dinner time.

They somehow survived without carrying bottled water at all times and not one of them left the house with a mini bottle of hand sanitiser. No parental risk assessments were carried out, kids came home after dark, usually pretty mucky, frozen to the bone in winter and marginally sunburnt in summer.

Playing out. It was bliss wasn’t it?

Today most kids can’t play out in their own garden without a safety briefing, a helmet and an Airtag attached to their coat.

The shift in parental behaviours over the past decades, and the ensuing reduction of

independence for kids has been huge.

Enter Free-Range Parenting; the slightly rebellious parenting approach which asks the question ‘Do you think you might be worrying too much babe?’

So what exactly is free-range parenting? It can’t be as simple as just letting your kids run round like tiny feral dogs (although at times that’s exactly what my kids resemble). Is it actually just lazy parenting disguised as a philosophy? Perhaps it’s the quest to find a happy medium between wrapping them in cotton wool and releasing them into the woods with a compass then driving off and shouting ‘Good luck kid!’

Let’s dive in and find out.

Free-range parenting. Is it anything to do with chickens?

Free-range parenting is an approach which fosters resilience and independence in children. It encourages them to take some age-appropriate responsibility, gives them the freedom to

make their own decisions and more importantly, make their own mistakes. I mean… it’s how

we learn right?

The term was coined by Lenore Skenazy, an American journalist who was ripped to shreds by the internet when she let her nine year old daughter take the New York City subway alone in 2008.

When Skenazy went on to write the book Free Range Kids, she became the unofficial postergirl for the movement. To save you reading the book, I’ll just tell you that her philosophy pretty much boils down to this: kids learn competence and confidence by doing things themselves - not by being constantly supervised and assisted.

In her book she encourages parents wherever it’s safe, to allow kids more freedom.

Suggesting they be allowed to walk from school or to a shop alone, to let them play outside

unsupervised and to give them age-approriate responsibilities around the home.

So far, so common sense as far as I can see. But in this world of parental fear and anxiety, it

can be hard to put these things into practice.

Why do we need to consider becoming a bit more free-range..?

Well, because to be honest; modern parenting is A LOT. We are supposed to produce

cleanly dressed, sporty, violin virtuoso’s with at least three additional languages to their

mother tongue. Then we are supposed to let the whole world know how wonderful they are

on social media, never missing an opportunity to show how close we are, and how much we,

as their Mother are simply smashing it as a parent… We are of course supposed to do all of

this whilst working full time and keeping our own love lives, social lives and health and

fitness regimen in tact.

It’s too much isn’t it?

But free-range parenting isn’t just about letting our standards drastically slip because we’re

knackered. It’s about raising those children with resilience, even if they never quite turn into

the aforementioned violin virtuoso.

And there’s plenty of evidence to enable us to embrace free-range parenting without guilt.

Statistically, children today are safer than ever before. Crime rates are much lower than they

were in the 80’s when we were all out climbing trees until the sun went down. Traffic safety

is far improved too. Yet parental anxiety has skyrocketed. Could it be that constant 24 hour

news streams and social media have tricked us into believing life is much scarier and that

our kids are at greater risk than they really are?

Psychologist Peter Gray, professor of psychology and author on the subject, says that vital

opportunities for children to play and explore are being lost in this modern generation who

are more inclined to ‘helicopter parent’ than to go free-range.

He’s not the only supporter of the approach. Madeline Levine, author of The Price of

Privilege, argues that overprotective parenting can actually harm our children, saying that

“when we overmanage our children’s lives, we send the message that they are not

competent.”

Children, like us adults, learn through exploring. Through trial and error, making mistakes

and discoverinh how to do things right next time. If you’ve ever been micromanaged in the

workplace, you’ll know your best work never happens with somebody looking over your

shoulder, interjecting with ‘helpful’ advice all the time. It’s the same for our kids I imagine?

They need some breathing space too.

So if it’s so great, why isn’t everybody doing it?

It’s hard to believe I know, but not everybody is waving their kids off into the sunset with 20

pence for a pick’n’ mix if they get hungry.

Some critics point out that children all mature at different times, so independence can’t just

be dished out according to an arbitrary age. And I mean, I agree. Not all nine year olds could or should be riding the NYC subway alone. I have a 13 year old who can barely manage to

find his socks in the morning.

But within reason, if their parent puts them on at one end and somebody is meeting them off the train, couldn’t some nine year olds manage that?

There’s also some who argue that social inequality plays a role in whether you can safely

free-range parent. If your area is of a lower socio-economic status and the crime rates are

higher, then maybe you simply don’t dare let your child play out unattended, in the way you

might in a more affluent area.

Maybe you’re already a free-range parent…

I have a sneaking suspicion that I don’t need to read a book or do any research on how to

become a free-range parent. Because I’m pretty sure I already am one.

Through a mixture of situation (single parent to three kids, working full time, running round

day and night trying to catch up with myself) and temperament (fairly chilled and keen for my kids not to grow up frightened of their own shadows), free-range parenting just comes pretty naturally to me.

It doesn’t mean there are no rules or boundaries, and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t worry

when they’re out of my sight. But I trust them, and importantly, I trust my own judgement

about what they can and can’t do without my help. My partner always tells me my three boys are ‘like 1980’s kids’... and I take that as the hugest of compliments.

If you resist the urge to track your teenagers every move on an app, if you believe that

boredom is not a medical emergency, and quite like your kids to have no plans and a day of

‘knocking about’ with their friends doing not much ahead of them, if you let your kids walk on walls and climb trees and take it on the chin that there will be dirty or ripped clothes… then the chances are you’re already a free range parent. And there’s also every chance you feel judged by other mothers in the school yard and by grandparents who think you look

discipline. But I believe in you. You can suck that judgement up with sass knowing you’re

raising kids with confidence, self-belief and autonomy. As long as they’re polite and kind and

trying their hardest, you taking your foot off the pedal is no bad thing.

Free-range parenting still involves providing emotional support, setting boundaries, eaching

life skills. It seems to me it’s just about giving your kids the best of both worlds, a middle

ground between freedom and independence. Space to breath and find out who they are.

And wouldn’t we all like a bit more of that?

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Sarah Lawton is a freelance content creator who writes on a variety of topics, covering everything from parenting to relationships to life post divorce. @pearlsofkiddom