How to support your teen boys

There’s a myth that raising teenage boys is easier than raising teenage girls. I’m sure you’ve heard it… Sure, boys might be wild as toddlers and pre-teens, always full of mud and energy, rambunctious and wild, whilst their female counterparts are seen as more compliant and calm. But the common thinking is that once they reach their teen years the roles reverse. Boys retreat a bit, become more quiet and introverted, whereas the girls, suddenly full of hormones, push the boundaries, back-chat their parents, host secret parties and stay out late flirting with boys two years older than them.

I’d heard this myth, and as a mother of three little boys, I was quite excited for the day the tables turned and I could say to my smug friends with their perfect little girls, that I was so relieved I’d had boys. So much less stress!

However I hadn’t until very recently fully understood the complexities of parenting teenage boys. I’d assumed wrongly, that it was all going to be muddy football socks, bedrooms that stunk of fart and other non-identifiable boy smells and huffs when their beloved football teams lost. I thought maybe the toughest challenge I’d have would be getting them to revise for their GCSE’s.

The smash hit Netflix drama Adolescence was a wake-up call for me and parents like me everywhere. In it, the main character Jamie, a boy who has never been in any trouble, is arrested for the murder of his classmate Katie. It was a punch in the gut for parents everywhere, and a call-to-action for us to take responsibility for what our boys are watching online and make sure they’ve got adequate support from us.

It took the safety net of ‘my son would never behave like that/our family isn’t like that/our neighbourhood isn’t a dangerous place’ and ripped it to shreds. It opened our eyes to the fact that our lovely quiet boy upstairs in his bedroom playing FIFA could actually be being exposed to content which would horrify us, and could tilt their world-view frighteningly off kilter.

Yes, our teen boys might be at heart uncomplicated little souls; but unfortunately they’re navigating a very complicated society, both in real life and online.

The task of reaching our kids, on a deeper level than some of the dangerous men they might follow online, is daunting to say the least. How can we, as one fairly clueless parent, take on the giant that is the internet? The fact is that we cannot, as much as we’d like to, entirely shield them from negative influences, neither can we force them to be as open with us as we might like. A deep dive into lots of fantastic research papers and podcasts on the topic has given me lots of ideas on how we can support them without spying on them, and love them, without smothering them.

Here are my top five tips to help you strengthen your bond and support your teenage son.

●      Think carefully about how you communicate with him

It sounds obvious but sometimes we forget to show our kids the respect we would want them to demonstrate when talking to us. I will hold my hands up and say I’ve made many mistakes on this front. I’ve raised my voice, I’ve sworn, I’ve been mean. Not cool.

So the basics: Don’t just rush into their bedroom; knock on the door. It’s just good manners, it lets them know you know you’re entering their space. Try not to nag, ask open questions so they can’t one-word answer you, and don’t overdo the eye contact or the physical touch unless you know they’re comfortable with that.

●      Make your home welcoming for their friends

I’m not saying you need to have an open house littered with teenage boys with their feet up on your furniture at all times. But get to know their friends, make the effort to make them feel welcome. In opening our homes (and our hearts) to their friends we’re saying ‘I know these people are important to you, so they’re important to me too.’

It will also give you a bit of an inside insight into your kids lives. How do they communicate with each other? Does your child seem comfortable? Are the friendships supportive and healthy?

If your house is seen as a fun place by your sons friends; that’s also something he will naturally be proud of. Of course it’s important to have some boundaries… but it’s also nice to be known as ‘The Fun Mum’ (just don’t admit you like that reputation: So uncool).

●      Expose them to good men, both in real life and online

This can be a tough one, especially if like me, you’re raising boys as a single mother. Obviously if Dad is at home, hopefully he’s engaged and supportive, and having been a teenage boy himself, understands the intricacies of a male teenage brain.

However if you’re flying solo, or Dad maybe isn’t a great communicator himself, there are still lots of ways you can take positive action.

Look to uncles, family friends, your partner or an older brother for that all important in-person time. Online, there are also lots of great influencers, sports people and podcasters who can help your teenagers develop a wider world view, encourage resilience, hard work, respect and a positive inclusive outlook.

On the subject of influencers; if your son expresses an interest in or an affinity with an influencer you feel is dangerous; be very careful not to forbid them to listen/watch them. Don’t become combative on the subject and tell them they’ve got it all wrong.

Mike Nicholson, founder of ‘Progressive Masculinity’ gave some great advice regarding this in a recent podcast. He advises if your son starts to speak positively or admiringly about someone you find abhorrent, such as Andrew Tate; it’s important to meet them halfway. So you could say something along the lines of ‘he’s got a great physique hasn’t he?’ or ‘He’s done well to build such a massive social media following’... but caveat it with ‘What do you think of his views on women though?’ It will open up a conversation, which (while containing some uncomfortable bits) is a much healthier approach than shutting the entire topic down.

●      Allow mistakes, and confess yours

To err is human, as we all know. Allowing our teenagers to make mistakes, as painful as it can be at the time, is vital. It fosters resilience, aids critical thinking and teaches them that all-important skill of taking responsibility for their actions.

Rather than having a go and being quick to punish them, I do try to see my boys’ mistakes as a learning opportunity. Making a one-off mistake, after all, is different from a pattern of bad behaviour, which would need addressing in a different way.

Confessing your own teenage mistakes, as well as the ones you’re still making now, is a great way to bond with your teen, have a laugh together and get the mistake in context… after all, there are very few mistakes us humans make which matter at all in the grand scheme of things in a weeks time!

●      Have his back

If I had to pick one key way to support teen boys, it would be this. And it’s also the thing I hope my sons will look back and recognise I did for them.

‘Having his back’ doesn’t involve absolving him of all responsibility, or being one of those parents who think their children can do absolutely no wrong. It’s certainly not trying to get him out of detentions at school or removing consequences which are there to teach him important life lessons.

But we as adults know how wonderful it feels to have someone in our lives who ‘has our back’, who protects us, who shoulders the load when it’s too heavy for us to carry, who defends us in rooms we aren’t in.

I want to be that person for my boys. I want to provide them with the emotional security to know they can take risks, be independent, explore their identity, safe in the knowledge I will never let them down; that the world might judge them, but I won’t.